wow....reallity....I know you are angry,hurt and untrusting to say the least. I didn't know what to do Eric. I had all these feelings and could not figure out how to sort them. Last TWednesday when you left the house I sat and thought about my options and how to get through my turmoil. I finally came to the concluson, be it right or wrong to see if I am lesbian or not. I called Kathy and told her I was coming to sfo early and see if she could meet me. She could, and we did. I meant everything I said to you and still do. I don't know if you called Kathy or not that didn't make me tell you the truth I wanted to tell you everything but was very embarrassed and ashamed by all of it. This is not me, but I am trying to find out who I am. Is it just the newness or am I lesbian that was the question I was trying to answer. I am not trying to deceive you or hurt you but that is what happened and I am sorry. I was at rock bottom and felt I had to do something. I couldn't stand by a watch you waste away. So the big question is am I a lesbian or not? I have to say that I must be Bi. I had sex with a woman and liked it I have sex with you and like it.I find a beautiful male body attractive.a lesbian doesn't find it all that attractive, so I have been told. But that doesn't change the fact that I have lied, cheated and betrayed you my best friend. I am sorry for that. I will do what ever you want and I hope we can make this divorce as amicable as possible if not for the kids sake but for ours also. I so love you
On Jan 30, 2009, at 13:01, Eric <tradeqqq@yahoo.com> wrote:
Syd I wish I didn't feel that I had to countinue to write about matters that are greatly affecting me/ us but unfortunately I'm in need to do so. I have no one else to talk to.
I see a change of habits to a more private, sometimes secretive person when it comes to your communications with others and it is very distrubing and has created daily angish for me since it started.
I had just about gotten over things during the past couple of weeks, when we spoke with such desire for each other, but then in one "fell swoop" my phobia returned.
What phobia? The phobia I have about you on the phone privately.
I feel You've started a new habit of " phone hiding" and "creating space" so you could check in with your phone It's killing me and I desperately want the old, more comfortable, less guarded Syd back! Be who you want to be, but don't keep it to yourself, i'm your partner. I want the "we" are together 100% feeling back". At times now its gone.
I realize we all go through changes, I respect your desire to re-find your independence, the character that is truely Syd. But please don't confuse that need (independence) with other notions. Independence does not mean seperate lives. That'S what I feel i'm obseving and it makes me uneasy at night when I can't turn off my brian.
This phobia is changing me, my attitude, my thoughts, and actions. I need your help and understanding. Conversation about it will slove it.
Syd if I'm crazy tell me so. I tired at this point and want to be comfortable again. Its this angish that keeps me up at nigjt, not India. I'm sorry this has happen to my thought process, but iit has and i need help overcoming it. I need your reassurance or I'll go crazy with confusion.
I dread sending this email. I lnow how much u want things to " just be fine" Love me through this please. Help me like a commuted concerned partner.
Syd I wish I didn't feel that I had to countinue to write about matters that are greatly affecting me/ us but unfortunately I'm in need to do so. I have no one else to talk to.
I see a change of habits to a more private, sometimes secretive person when it comes to your communications with others and it is very distrubing and has created daily angish for me since it started.
I had just about gotten over things during the past couple of weeks, when we spoke with such desire for each other, but then in one "fell swoop" my phobia returned.
What phobia? The phobia I have about you on the phone privately.
I feel You've started a new habit of " phone hiding" and "creating space" so you could check in with your phone It's killing me and I desperately want the old, more comfortable, less guarded Syd back! Be who you want to be, but don't keep it to yourself, i'm your partner. I want the "we" are together 100% feeling back". At times now its gone.
I realize we all go through changes, I respect your desire to re-find your independence, the character that is truely Syd. But please don't confuse that need (independence) with other notions. Independence does not mean seperate lives. That'S what I feel i'm obseving and it makes me uneasy at night when I can't turn off my brian.
This phobia is changing me, my attitude, my thoughts, and actions. I need your help and understanding. Conversation about it will slove it.
Syd if I'm crazy tell me so. I tired at this point and want to be comfortable again. Its this angish that keeps me up at nigjt, not India. I'm sorry this has happen to my thought process, but iit has and i need help overcoming it. I need your reassurance or I'll go crazy with confusion.
I dread sending this email. I lnow how much u want things to " just be fine" Love me through this please. Help me like a commuted concerned partner.
Are you writing this because I saw mobile spy for iphones on your laptop? I took so long today because it took me at least an hour to get over my anger and than sadness that you feel you have to resort to that. I don't feel like my life is any different other than the fact that I have been with a woman. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with it. I just don't want to talk about it. Maybe when I come to terms with it I can talk to you about it. But right now I don't really want to think about it.
What I do think about is how much of myself I have lost over the years. I love you and our time together but that is all I have. I need a little breathing room. I have absolutely no life outside you and work. I have lost all sense of who syd is. It has nothing to do with you,I love you just as much as I always have. Maybe I am going through my midlife crises? I love being so close to you but I want to finish my own sentence I want to have my own dreams at night. We can still be just as close as always I will just have more to talk about if I can have my own thoughts and share them instead of sharing yours. I love you so much I wish I could write better.
What I do think about is how much of myself I have lost over the years. I love you and our time together but that is all I have. I need a little breathing room. I have absolutely no life outside you and work. I have lost all sense of who syd is. It has nothing to do with you,I love you just as much as I always have. Maybe I am going through my midlife crises? I love being so close to you but I want to finish my own sentence I want to have my own dreams at night. We can still be just as close as always I will just have more to talk about if I can have my own thoughts and share them instead of sharing yours. I love you so much I wish I could write better.
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